I’m a full time working stay at home mom

Hello, I’m a full time working stay at home mom.

I envy full time stay at home moms to and extent because they rule the roost, so to speaks. They spend their day being fully committed and devoted to their home and hearth. They are Moms with a capital M. Their day- no less hectic than their working counterparts- is in a clear defined space of home management, bub time, husband time and self time. They are what I call domestic engineers. Or CHOs, Chief Home Officers. Most of the full time stay at home moms I know, seem to upkeep themselves rather well; and no, not all of them have helpers to help. Though, in most cases then, they live with family which, I guess, amounts to the same thing. But that’s another issue for another day. But, yes, these FTSAHM have their work cut out for them.

I also envy full time working moms, to the extent that they have a designated time, space and place to work. For A predetermined period of time, they work. They are not concerned with what to next feed the bub, or when their nap might be, or how best to entertain the little ones. They are cloistered at work dealing with adults, deadlines, assignments and other not-my-child related things. Then when they are done with work, they come back to their family (husband and kids) and they return to their mom/wife title. When desired, they take leave, they take time off and leave their emails, assignments and even office politics behind.

To a large degree I also envy part time working moms. These are moms who take a portion of their day out to work. In my cousin’s case, she works till one then she returns home to her kids most of which would have just been done with school or their huge morning nap. She still gets to have that designated time out to work; in a space that is specially set aside for working.

I am none of the above, yet I am all of the above. I am a full time working stay at home mom.

When we found out we were pregnant we made concerted efforts to cut back on work. My brilliant team stepped up gloriously but somehow when I find myself with spare bandwidth work and life finds ways to fill it with more stuff. I was engaged, invariably, in project consults and still being part of the several organizations I work with outside of works. Four days after Q was born, I had clients over at my house where I had a meeting while nursing at the table. In hind sight, it was hilarious.

Over the last eight months, work has steadily piled up and I’ve had to take on more work: launching new brands, product lines, break new markets. All whilst managing Q and ensuring I still am a full time mom to Q; I take little time off from him still taking him personally to his mandarin classes and kindermusik classes, toting him about when I run my errands. We find time to swim- at one stage daily cos the weather permitted, and to playgroups.

Read Full Post »

you’d think I was crazy

So, I signed Q up for Mandarin Playgroup.

Yes, you must be thinking that I have gone mad with the classes since its THREE times a week fro 1.5hrs each day. Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays. This is in addition to Friday’s Kindermusik classes.

But, really, to an extent, its a relief that there’s something each day- PLANNED- to entertain, educate and engage Q.

I’m trying this out for a term to see how I take it.

I have no more life.

Read Full Post »

Baby Q: The first month

The first four weeks passed in a blur, if I was going to be truly honest with myself.

Days were broken up into feeding blocks: nursing for about an hour, interact with the baby then put the baby to sleep, eat and shower to feel human, catch a fifteen minute breather (if possible) then wash, rinse, repeat. All through the day I’d fret about a million and one things baby related: is he eating enough? Is he eating too much? Is he sleeping enough? How come he seems to be sleeping all the time? Is he healthy? Is he too cold? Is he feeling warm?…. The list continues.

Of all the things that I prepped for in anticipation for baby, the one thing I grossly underestimated was the advent of baby blues and how cruelly it wrecked with my mind, body, soul and how it became almost crippling and debilitating. Its hard to articulate how horrible it was and how close I felt I came to letting blues slide into depression. Through the exhaustion, I had to force myself to eat even if I was far too tired to feel hungry. I forced myself to drink copious amounts of water- more than the average nursing mom- because my body doesn’t absorb water quite as well. My breasts were sore from nursing and it was a tenuous line between having enough milk and blocked milk ducts and engorgement. Engorgement caused great distress: my lymph nodes at the armpits would have milk backed up all the way; and no matter how much I nurse, it wouldn’t clear completely.

We had kept help to a minimum. We told well wishing visitors to not visit till we settled into a more stable routine. My mother would come by- providing relief ever so needed so I can get a little more rest. Not much, given, at the end of the day, I was the sole source of milk. The helper came by to help with housework: its amazing how much laundry a tiny little baby generates. Any visitors that came by came by with food; a much needed break from my catered confinement food, which, truthfully, was quite yummy.

The nights were tough. Q, who would be a perfect angel all day, would suddenly decide to have his daily fussytime meltdowns at 7pm sharp. Nothing would sooth him. Miraculously an hour later, he would suddenly stop and be all smiles again. Then at about 2am, he would get a sudden bout of wind that would see him wail his guts out till we could bring up the air. Then once the burp came (which could take a long time) he would be ok again.

We saw the pediatrician twice for reflux, and of course going to the clinic meant my mind’s eye could see germs floating about and so I added more things to worry about to my already long list.

I was sustained by the text messages, calls and emails from mother friends who reassure me that how I was feeling and the issues I was grappling with was perfectly normal. They shared their own struggles and experiences and listened to my meltdowns and insecurities, however ridiculous they were. It seemed that no matter how much the peds and lactation consultant would tell me I was doing great, I was hard pressed to believe it.

The Boy did his best to keep his wits about him and keep me from falling apart. And most times he was instrumental in pulling me back from the edge.

And after surviving meltdowns, battling an insidious inner voice that would not be silenced, dealing with physical pain ala breastfeeding wounds and dragging my severely sleep deprived self day to day- we survived the first month.

None worse for wear.

Read Full Post »

Lessons on parenting: Words & Actions

From before I popped till now, God’s been really good, providing me with lessons, comfort, encouragement in the most obvious and least likely of places. It is often in the form of my quiet time verse of the day (the obvious), an email (less obvious, but still as timely) or in the form of a friend who “happened to think about me.”

And as I still grapple to find my feet- as if I ever will- in parenthood/motherhood, I find it useful when God gets really clear about helping me.

This came in the email today.

The Art of Raising Children

In the New Testament, two words describe the function of parents:  teaching and training. With teaching, the focus is on words: verbal admonition.  On the other hand, training has to do with actions. These two must always go together.  One of the mistakes often made by contemporary parents is that we use one without the other. If our emphasis is on words, we say, “Let’s talk about this.”  Our belief is that if the child understands, then he will obey.  On the other hand, the action oriented parents says, “Do what I say.  We’ll talk about it later.”   Often, later never comes.  How much better if we learn to explain both what is expected and the results if they don’t obey.  Words and actions are a winning combination. Teach Your Children to Love God In our society child abuse is at an all-time high.  Screaming matches between parents and children are common in thousands of homes.  A part of the problem is that parents and children are strangers.  The instruction that God gave ancient Israel in Deut. 6:7 is still timely.  God said that we are to teach our children His instructions when we “sit around the house and when we walk along the road, when we lie down and when we get up.” A bible story and prayer as the children go to bed; a brief devotional and prayer at the breakfast table; exploring God’s creation as we take walks with our children; discussing the day and listening to our children’s questions as we “sit around the house”. You cannot improve on God’s plan. Be Positive and Encouraging Do you write letters to your children?  Here’s part of a letter I wrote to my son after he played poorly in a basketball game. Dear Derek:  I know that last night’s game was a disappointment to you.  Anytime we don’t perform up to the level we know we can, it is discouraging.  I was thinking about biblical characters that also had set-backs: Joseph, David, and Peter when he denied Christ. But they all went on to be great men of God. I know you are not a quitter, but I wanted you to know that I understand your discouragement.  I love you very much and I’m proud of you no matter how you play.  You have character and that is what really counts – in playing ball and in life!! Love, Dad Do you have a child who needs a letter? Encourage Creativity Creativity is a gift of God.  All children are creative because they are made in God’s image.  In our efforts to teach children, we sometimes stifle creativity in favor of conformity.  Creativity is the wonderful gift of thinking outside the lines.  It is our creativity that allows us to develop the uniqueness implanted within each of us. Dr. Howard Hendricks tells the story of a child who drew flowers with faces.  The teacher said, “Johnny, flowers don’t have faces.”  Johnny replied. “Mine do!”  Johnny’s creativity is still alive, but if his teacher succeeds, his flowers will eventually look like everyone else’s flowers.  To stifle creativity is to make children look like cookies rather than snowflakes. Be a Role Model Socrates said, “If I could get to the highest place in Athens, I would lift up my voice and say: ‘What mean ye, fellow citizens, that ye turn every stone to scrape wealth together, and take so little care of your children, to whom ye must one day relinquish all?'”  In my personal study of anthropology, I have never observed a culture where parents are not expected to provide children with guidance. Our greatest method of teaching is our model.  May I ask you a sobering question?  What if your children turn out to be just like you?  If you would not be happy with that, then what do you need to change?  Why not begin that change today?  God is available to help, and so are your friends.

Adapted from The Family You’ve Always Wanted by Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Dr. Chapman’s resources, visit www.5lovelanguages.com.

Read Full Post »

Baby Q: Week 3- Turning the first corner

Q is a lovely lovely child to have. He never fusses unnecessarily, when he cries, its always for good reason (diaper dirty, hungry, in pain or desiring som TLC) and for a small lil thing he makes a real effort when its nursing time- makes the soreness and rawness worthwhile.

As we entered the third week, things got a little rough: a culmination of the blues and other baby/mommy/parenting factors/unsolicited advice that saw me question myself and my mothering abilities like no other. No less, it was made worse by us realizing that Q was not growing that well being only breastfed and the pediatrician recommended we supplemented with expressed breast milk and some formula. And while that seems straight forward enough, it caused me to feel terrible on many counts: is formula good enough? Shouldn’t I push for full breastfeeding? Is it me? Can I do more? …

It was a tough choice to make given that I had come into this from pregnancy fully set on only breastfeeding. It wasn’t an option to consider anything else and given my Type A personality, it was tantamount to failing as a mother. My cousin Tammy (@scrapbooking queen) who’s been pacing me set me straight: that really, the best thing I could give my son was a mother who was well sorted, well adjusted and had her head screwed on straight. And that there can be no one set path to motherhood.

After a few days of tears, a series of meltdowns and needing to be set straight by The Boy/The cousin/A pediatric friend, the worse passed and I began to make peace with motherhood, expectations and learning that doing what’s best for Q meant putting myself, my needs and my emotional psyche into the equation as well.

So, I think maybe, just maybe, we are turning a corner.

Read Full Post »

Baby Q: Week 2- Dealing with the blues

Truth is, I don’t know where the last two weeks have gone to. The hospital stay rolled into coming home; us both thrust into this new world of Babydom called Parenthood. Even as I type this, I am wrecked with exhaustion from the insane schedule all newborns keep and the physical toll of breastfeeding on demand, the bleeding, uterine contractions and all the other physical stuff that makes me want to go back in time to sock Eve. Darn that woman.

As a person, I like to think I keep my emotions well under control. Whilst pregnant, I tried my best to not let the hormones get the better of me and I think for most parts I’ve succeeded. I was still reasonable throughout the long nine months and even while in the delivery suite, I think I kept my head quite well.

When Q was born- for the initial few days, I was fine. Sure, there was the stress of waiting for “milk” to arrive and the learning to breastfeed; latching, as all breastfeeding moms will tell you, is a bitch that causes far too much stress and pain. We opted to stay an extra day in the hospital to work on latching and it was a time well spent- at least by the time we went home, I was feeling a lil better about breastfeeding though Q’s hydration level was still a cause for concern. Gratefully, he didn’t lost too much weight in the days after birth (from 2.64kg to 2.4kg) and when we went back for his one week check up, he had put back some weight to 2.5+kg. Also, thankfully, his jaundice level remained low and mild all through out.

As we entered into the second week and the toll of insufficient sleep started to weigh heavy, I had to (finally) contend with the dreaded Baby Blues. Of all the new things that comes with being a new mother, nothing could have quite prepared me for the onslaught of emotions, self doubt and mind games that I ended playing with myself. While studies have shown that breastfeeding mothers tend to cope better, it was converse for me as the whole notion of breastfeeding successfully was the ONE thing that really caused me to unravel.

Too much milk. Too little milk. Is baby eating enough? Milk supply issues… All started to creep into my mind insidiously to the point that I was stressing out before, during and after each nursing session. Meaning, ALL THE TIME. It didn’t matter that people told me I was doing well. It didn’t matter that the lactation consultant told me I was a real champ. It didn’t matter that the pediatrician told me baby was gaining good weight and I was a-okay. It didn’t matter that my cousins and friend who were pacing me reminded me several times a day (each) that I had nothing to worry about.

I still fretted about breastfeeding. In fact, most times, when it all got a little much to bear (like a few times a day) I’d find myself on the brink of tears. The Boy was great in being supportive and setting me straight but its those quite moments that truly messes with you. Not helping was that I had somehow decided in my head that if I didn’t breastfeed (and opted to formula feed) it would make me a terrible mother.

Yes, logically, I know its not the case. I- and most in my generation- were raised on formula milk and we all turned out fine. But still…

Help- and alleviation- came in the least likely of places. An old doctor friend called to check in and caught me at a bad time. She set me straight. God truly works in mysterious ways and through the least likely of people. She explained that what was worse than not breastfeeding was my letting myself mentally unravel. She drummed into my head in the days after (till now) that the greatest gift I could give my son was to be in the best mental, physical, emotional and spiritual state possible. And that since we had crossed the 2 week mark and Q’s immunity system was up and running, I was, ok.

Once I made peace between breastfeeding and formula feeding (I had BIG issues expressing milk so that wasn’t really an option), I started to feel better about everything. My OBGYN kindly prescribed medications to help with lactations (I’ve not had to use them) and The Boy packed away the breast pump so that I would not be tempted to express to “check on levels.” Nursing became a lil easier, less stressful and I think, now that I am en route to getting my head screwed on properly and seeing clearer through the fog of the blues, I am learning to be a better mother one day at a time.

Read Full Post »

Baby Q: Its a boy!

At their last OBGYN visit they learnt that they could be due ANYTIME despite being only a lil over 36 weeks. They blitz as much as they could- meetings, assignments, made work and personal arrangements for this-that-the other and basically maxed out the days. Most days, they would crash out a lil over midnight, each day usually starting at about 7am and packed brimful of events. On wed, the 11th, for some odd reason The Boy couldn’t get to sleep. Most days, he’s out cold as soon as his head hits the pillow and he decided he HAD to re-discuss baby names and such. After toughing it out with him for as long as she could, she finally ordered him to sleep- he did, after a brandy nip.

In the wee hours of 12th March 2010 the water bag broke.

Truth is, This Girl’s first thought was that she had somehow soiled herself. Yes, this despite her still being awake and having done her Kegles (its a prenatal yoga staple I tell you) she rushed to the bathroom only to realize she’s basically become a leaky tap: drip drip drip drip. She waited fifteen minutes before waking The Boy who thought she was kidding. If looks could kill…

The next few hours passed in a blur: doctors, nurses, midwives, admin people in and out of her delivery suite. By this time, it was close to day break and her OBGYN strolled in- in her gym gear no less- did an exam and proclaimed that she’d deliver by lunch and that she’d see them later after ordering a small dose of oxytocin to “speed things along.” They had both been awake for some 26 hours by then. The midwife declared that since she was only 4cm dilated, it might be another 6 hours before she’s even ready to delivered (1cm an hour)- if she were lucky. Most first time moms take some nine to twelve hours to move 6cm- yes, even with “help..”

By breakfast, the contractions were coming fast and her need for some rest and reprieve waned as the toil of being up 30 over hours weighed in on the event. Doctor offered a low dose epidural which she gladly took- this bought her some much needed “shut eye” for the, em, main push. At her near noon exam, the midwife declared that she was ready and ordered This Girl and The Boy to practice pushing- which they did to their amusement; some cruel science experiment, really.

Closer to noon, their OBGYN came back and decided This Girl was ready for some REAL action and by then active labour had finally set in.

Push-Push-Push: 45 minutes later…. Baby Q was born.

Tiny but perfect in every way.

And just like that, in that single instance, their pregnancy journey ended and they took their first tentative steps into parenthood.

(As she writes this, its Day 7 of her grand new adventure)

Read Full Post »

Cannot Wait!

No, not the baby- though that’s something that This Girl is mighty excited about too.

ALICE IN WONDERLAND by Tim Burton.

This Girl cannot wait!

Read Full Post »

Baby shopping: finding space

The Boy and This girl have been pretty bad at getting our physical space ready for the baby. Sure, there’s been discussions of what family values are important to us, which parenting styles they hope to adopt, what sort of education they aspire to impart. You know, the “important” intangible stuff. Also, these things only take “verbal” effort- if you know what I mean. Heh.

Over the last few weeks The Boy has been obsessing about car seats (along with the cot) and other “big ticket items”. No less, trying to figure out what would fit where: the car, the study, the hall, the bedroom. So, this past week, they started moving furniture about to “make space for baby.” Not too bad, given they refuse to buy new furniture and only wanted to re-decorate and use what they have.

So a few days back, The Boy went on a sudden rampage and dragged this girl to the baby store to buy stuff. Blitz buy- they were in and out in under 20 mins. Cot, baby seat, changing station stuff… and this girl’s favourite: wall stickers from Wee Gallery.

At home now, they have two walls that they have designated for baby decorations and decided on the Safari and Jungle themed ones.

This Jungle theme now graces one side of their bedroom wall.

And this Safari themed one the side wall of their study, which has been designated baby central.

To be frank, they wanted the ones from e-glue. But at close to S$600 per set, it was simply too ridiculous an amount to pay. Though, really, their giant stickers are too cute to not check out.

Now that they have “baby space”, this girl needs to do the same to better accommodate the growing baby. Their doctor explains that given her size her ribs are a lil more splayed and pushed outwards to create space. And of course, her organs are being squashed.

Ah… space… how elusive.

Read Full Post »

Pregnancy week 26: Insomnia

The good news:

This Girl is feeling less like a beach whale this week. No, its not that she’s any slimmer (Ha! As though that were possible) but it comes to reckon that she’s learning to carry the extra weight a little better. She’s not put on much elsewhere, like her limbs and such, and so she’s kind of always a little off tilt. Being back to yoga class seems to help; the stretching, the breathing, the taking time out to tune out the rest of the world has aided in her feeling marginally physically better.

The aches are still there and her belly feels tight beyond measure, but its manageable to an extent. The Boy helps with the back rubs and she now sleeps in a strange display and arrangement of pillows to prop this and to raise that. In particular, she’s loving her Ikea Crocodile which she contorts into various bendy positions to best suit her night needs. So, she’s toughing it out.

The not so good news:

As she inches into her last trimester she’s been hit with pregnancy insomnia. Her body is tired, her eyes are tired but sleep proves to be elusive. Its in part cos she’s getting bigger, in part cos the baby is moving alot more and has taken to kicking at the ribs. But, despite how tired she is, she can’t seem to drop off to sleep.

Apparently, its a relatively common thing for pregnant women to suffer thus. It’s a glimpse of things to come, it seems. The way things are seem to signal the way things might be (a night baby maybe?) and the best one can do is really to “manage” the situation. Create a routine. Learn to wind down. Relax. Relax. Relax. Oh, easier said than done. This girl does her best to catch whatever cat naps her tired body throws at her. Makes for terrible working arrangements and is going to start making her cranky; but you take what life gives you right?

Scrapbook Queen says: Welcome to the club, here’s to not much sleep for the next 18 years!

Read Full Post »

Melbourne 2009: walking shoes

This girl bought herself a pair of ballet crocs a while back and went a little crazy dressing it up with jibbitz. And so, thinking that Australia- land of the dressing down- would have tons of jibbitz she had big dreams of buying really cool ones to add to her collection.

She’s got a porsche one (for The Boy), many pretty flowers and butterflies (to feed her girliness), a cute little ducky (cos its yellow and cute), ballet shoes (cos she used to dance), a giraffe (for The Prefect), a Huffalump (for The Princess), a tomato (cos she loves them), and a carrot (cos she almost never eats carrots).

Anyway, as it turns out, Australia has very few Crocs stores. The Boy- who thinks all Crocs are ugly- took the chance to convince This Girl to buy new shoes. His actual words were: “You know Crocs are not real shoes right?”

We walked passed a Sketchers store at the new DFO Southwharf and he took the chance to buy her “real shoes” so now she’s been made to retire her not-real-shoes Crocs. But she thinks she likes dressing them shoes up too much to let them go. Heh.

Read Full Post »

Melbourne 2009: Buying baby stuff

People have asked This Girl and The Boy if they know if they are expecting a girl or a boy. And when they say they have no idea and wish to be surprised at the end of the pregnancy journey people think they’re nuts.

But seriously, there’s a certain fun-ness with not knowing. And, truth is, it saves money.

They have not bought anything baby-related to date and decided they’d make their first purchases Down Under since they have tons of baby and outlet stores with much cuter stuff than back home. Think Baby Bonds, Cotton On Baby and Pumpkin Patch. The Boy wasn’t that keen on the onset, having exclaimed as they walked to the Big W, “How nice can baby clothes be?”

It was simply precious, and hilarious, seeing him then go wide-eyed and a tad crazy picking out “neutral colours.” Neutral colours, in their books then meant: white, greys, blacks, greens. They refused to buy yellow having decided that their chance of a fair child was relatively high and yellow might make the kid look jaundiced. After the first found of stuff, they came to the realization that they simply bought stuff that they’d wear- just in baby size.

Case in point: The Boy’s first purchase was a baby hoodie. Black, no less.

Read Full Post »

lost generation: are we inspired?

Brunei Princess and one of their interns showed this girl this video clip; its not new, really, its been blogged about, shared on facebook and received its fair amount of due press from the general online community.

This girl spent pretty much the last 15 years working with youths. First, while as a youth herself; then later in a more instructive role, then a more mentorship one. She’s worked with youths here in Singapore, in most parts of Southeast Asia, in Europe, in the States and has seen how similar- and yet dissimilar- they all are. There’s always the group that falls by the wayside, the group that remains a child always, the group that is forced to grow up a little faster than they should, the group that takes center-stage, the group that stands in the shadows… And each, tries to find their place in this world, their little corner of the sky.

And this girl is left to wonder if there’s enough of those that bother to truly make a difference. There’s a secondary movement- if one can even call it that- that was birth in the States in the lead up of the seminal 2008 elections. They are called Generation We. Generation We is more than the birth of a new generation, its a movement from the single most powerful voting bloc. And if the rest of the world just stops to think about it, it is the emergence of what could potentially be- politically, economically, socially- the most powerful force that needs to- but has yet to be- harnessed.

Read Full Post »

iphone is here

This girl received notification on her iphone’s arrival via email a while back; and the nice Singtel uncle came to deliver her little package to her the day before her birthday. Or course, since she was switching carriers, she couldn’t really use her iphone till much later.

And so, came days on days of procrastination where she was hounded by The Boy to start transfering her contacts to her mac address book. They finally got to it- the had to bluetooth it from her former Nokia to her Mac first.

She’s still not sorted out her mobile me and calendar- she’s been meaning to do it but she’s been getting a tad bored of the iphone so working on it has taken a bacl seat. No less, she’s been deeply fatigued these weeks so she’s waiting it that to pass.

Either ways, its been quite anticlimatic.

Read Full Post »

million dollar winners

While watching her new favourite talk show- Ellen– this morning, this girl watched the videos of these gameshow winners win the elusive million dollar prize. In particular, she most enjoyed the Who wants to be a millionaire? winner, John Carpenter win in such style.

Are you smarter than a fifth grader first million dollar winner.

Deal or No Deal first million dollar winner.

Who wants to be a millionaire first million dollar winner.

Read Full Post »